Aaah, its Autumn.....Time to cleanse, clear out, and prepare for going inward. This week I finished my basement's (the garbage pit down below or more metaphorically, the bowels of my home) organizational/cleanup project begun this summer by finally getting rid of the 18 year old sofa bed (otherwise known as the super-sized cat bed) which had literally been stuffed down there 12 years earlier. Incidentally, that clearing happened at the same time I was doing a physical bowel clearing with psyllium seed husk and bentonite clay. I won't dare go into detail about the things cleansed from there. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened that way. I sent an intention for cleansing and it happened on all levels...And so it is. Things are progressing along, it seems. The houses (both internal and external) have been cleansed and little by little observations reveal the work still to be done. The living room is still not painted and coincidentally I still have not settled into a new comfort zone for work, leisure and family activities. What makes me happy? What sparks my fire? What lights me up so I can bring light to the world? How can I connect joyfully with the people in my life? What stands in the way of my knowing these answers? These are all questions that I am revisiting, mostly because something has changed and I am not certain of where I am going with the space the change has created.
Contradictions abound, I watch myself closely having given up on the idea of trying to changing right now and instead am setting myself free. Change happened, I am not aware of what caused it, nor am I aware of what change needs to happen to grow into that space the change created. I wonder if perhaps setting myself free is all the change I need. Again a contradiction as I consider my freedom to come in the form of containment. Contain feelings, resentments, patterns of thought and behavior. If I can just contain these things, not deny them, but instead swim in the soup that they create within me observing the internal workings of myself, taking responsibility for what I see, containment will bring about the next phase of change bringing answers to my questions. As I think about doing that I wonder if I will spontaneously combust from the discomfort of it all. I commit to myself now to cease creating buffers between me and these things I see in myself, or at minimum to at least recognize the buffers already set in place and cease utilizing them. I am willing to go within in search of these buffers. It is my hope that the friction this creates within me will create a fire big enough to transmute these things. Transmutation can't help but create some sort of change I suppose. Out of the ashes rises the Phoenix born anew, right?
So that's my winters' intention. Perhaps set a little early, but I hear some places in the country have already had snow.....Eeeek.
