Always Becoming

So, again, today, I write and erase, write and erase. With each writing, I gain more awareness into myself and as I do, the prior sentence no longer seems to be truthful. So I write and erase, write and erase, searching for a deeper truth and a deeper meaning. It's interesting to watch. It makes me wonder how often I lie to myself and to others and vice versa.

I guess we can only do the best we can in the moment, but the more I write, the more intrigued I become with my words. They are interesting, temporary, I wonder how often they cause us difficulty in life. Truth changes. Do we allow for that in our society? Do we allow for that in our own minds? Do we hold each other to standards that were set in some long ago moment? And perhaps more importantly do we hold ourselves to standards that are no longer fitting to our needs and our current state of being? We take ourselves so seriously.

How do we accommodate for this dilemma? Releasing, forgiveness, acceptance, present moment being and Knowing the Truth about ourselves and others, that we are always in a state of becoming, that all things are temporary, that words are just words, a construct of humanity.

Programmed for Peace - Continued

Aaah, so already, you thought I was saying that the "business man" was wrong. Take a moment to re-read the dream. Remember, I was the witness, the observer of the man and the woman, no judgement here. Each of us has aspects of the man and aspects of the woman within us, develpoed perhaps in an unbalanced way. It is up to us to not only to balance those to aspects but also to develop the witness within us. it is the witness that can observe the subtleties of life where we can fine tune and receive all of the information we need to make a well informed decision. We need to find balance, and for each of us that looks different, but the fact is society and governmental rules are not going find it for you, the only way to do that is do as the female does and go within.



Be Peace today and go in search of your personal balance point.

Programmed for Peace

A few minutes ago, I was amidst a dream in which I was at a birthday party with all of the usual treats. These had been prepared by a woman trying to start her own business. All of the products were made with the freshest, healthiest of ingredients and even had "eco - conscious" packaging. Her first attempt at getting her business off of the ground was a failure, not because of any product flaw or design flaw, but because "the timing wasn't right," as she put it. It seems the start of her business would have caused some kind of conflict with another business owner. In the process of sorting it out, she made "moral decisions" instead of "business decisions" that caused her business not to take off. Legally, she could have done it differently and her business would have moved forward and with the incredibly delicious products she was making it was obvious she could have been a success. In my dream, this woman was telling her story to me and to another man, a "business man." Being able to see both sides, I sat quietly and listened. The business man emphatically explained the concept of capitalism as if the woman was too stupid to understand it. "That's the point, to make as much as you can, accumulate money, money is power and as long as you don't break any laws doing it. Then it's okay," I remember him saying. Listening to each othem, I quickly came to realize he had no relationship with his inner moral compass. His compass was based on the external, what society over time, had decided was right and wrong, legal and illegal. The woman had an inner compass telling her how to negotiate through her life. She had an implicit trust in her undying "'On Star' navigator within" and believed listening to that she would never be steered wrong. She trusted there was a purpose to it all, she was in no way attached to the outcome, nor to making a "killing" financially if it meant "screwing" another. At the end of the dream, she had not become "successful," yet, according to the man. She did not have her store front, nor did she have her millions.

As I woke up from this incredibly vivid dream, I realized this dream was not my own inner conflict, but a vivid depiction of what humanity is being called to do. (Yes, we are being called, change is happening with or without us, are you coming along for the ride?)

As a people, in terms of the energy that we use to "drive" the world, we are being called to shift from a masculine to feminine energy. We are being called to shift from a mentality of "I" to a mentality of "We." On a spiritual level, we are being called to shift from external power through domination and fear to an internal "true" power that lives through the heart and heart consciousness. The only way for us, as a people, to accomplish this shift (And yes, the answer lies right within the dream) is to go within, to find our Inner Voice and our Moral Compass and to live by those two things unfailingly as a heart centered expression of ourselves in each moment. We must trust these inner "Knowings" implicitly to lead our way, even through darkness and the toughest of times.

As I sit and wonder about if we can get there, I am reminded of the 10 Commandments and Yoga's "Yamas" and "Niyamas." I feel them alive within me and know intuitively they are still alive within all us, within our genetic code, it is our natural way of being, it is the eneryg of our "Source". We have simply allowed (through free will) our feelings of anger and fear to override these natural mechanisms for peace. As I realize this, I sigh a little sigh of relief, knowing we already have the "program for peace" computed within us.

Living the Day

Write without thinking I keep being told. I hear that from my own inner voice, from friends who are Channeling the Masters, from synchronicities I see being laid out before me. It is my desire to write a book and to be of service by channeling the teachings of Moses. Write without thinking, I keep being told, write from the heart. But what about those days when the writing just doesn't come and the process seems at a stand still. I have two choices. I can do it and trust and hope that it moves me along on my journey or I can switch into my logical thinking mind and push forward in another way. One that feels safer and more socially acceptable. What is this writing without thinking even going to bring me? I am not certain, yet I keep holding on, trying, trusting the process of what I have been told.

Some days, the writing seems so haphazard, I don't not even share it with you. Other days, I feel so blocked I write absolutely nothing, simply making excuses for it in my own mind to myself. It is just where I am right now in the process, it feels like I am moving through sludge, like I am trying to turn the gears of something that has been rusted out since Moses lived here on earth. I keep watching, witnessing my own life, finding the little things that give me that glimmer of hope that I am on my right path. It hasn't been easy, this part of the process has been painfully slow. And maybe I am missing something, a peice of the puzzle, but I can't know what I don't know until I finally come to know it. And if I knew it , it would no longer be an issue or topic of discussion. I would be on to the next thing, in the next place. But the fact is, I don't know anything else right now, so what is one to do?

Today, these are the things I told myself to help myself along...Sometimes we just have to sit in that uncomfortable place of not knowing, of finding our way, or waiting for the Universe to align what needs to be aligned for us to move forward. Sometimes, we just have to trust and do what feels right, for longer than feels comfortable. Sometimes we need to linger in a place to soak up all of the lessons that are there for us, hidden in the details of our lives. Sometimes we need to ask for guidance and trust we are getting it and even when it doesn't make sense to us, do it anyway. Sometimes we need take chances. Sometimes we need to do it all and sometimes we need to just stop and do nothing. The fact is, there is no one or right way, but we can always be assured we are exactly where we need to be if we don't just give up and shut down, but instead keep trying and communicating our Highest desires, whatever they may be for the Highest good of both ourselves and the Universe. Just for today, I followed my own advice, and it got me through to this this writing. For sometimes, all we need to do is share our lives honestly with another, perfect in its imperfections, and without even realizing it, we can touch someones heart in a way we never could have planned, fulfilling our life purpose for that day.

A Lesson From Moses

As I hurried, trying to better myself, always striving, perfecting, pushing myself, all in the name of "spirituality and growth"...I came to learn a major lesson of the soul...All of those things I was striving for were Ego driven. The soul needs to do nothing to be acknowledged, it just is, it needs not to try to improve or be better because it is already perfection, it need not push because the only place soul lives is in the present moment. Knowing this I can slow down and enjoy all that life has to offer in each moment, without judgement. Hanging back, moving slowly, consciously, has its advantages, it allows us to nurse all of the lessons and light from circumstance and experience before we move on to the next. Then, with each new moment, we are all the wiser.

Holiday Practice

If you want to know if your current spiritual practice has really been working for you this year, get together with your extended family this holiday season and watch yourself in action. Yes, a bit tongue and cheek, but within every joke lies some truth. And I know for myself that inevitably I find myself sucked back in to at least some of the family dynamics every year. The good news is, I always come away with knowing where my work still lies.

For a long time now I have been able to get together with the family and stand back and see everyone in action, playing their role, as if there truly was an unconscious script. Over the years I have attempted to break the mold little by little and put an end to behaviors in myself that I found distasteful. Each holiday I have made it through with varying amounts of success and over the years I have noticed that as I have changed the behaviors and reactions of others have changed as well. The holidays have actually become more pleasant for me and I hope for the others as well.

This year I have planned ahead and am creating a challenge for myself based on past holiday mishaps. For I notice I can still occasionally point out behaviors in others that they could be working on to better themselves (or at least make me feel more comfortable, LOL). When I think of it now, I cringe, knowing it is not helpful to anyone, including myself as it probably hinders my relationship with others rather than helps.

There is a Buddhist concept called Wu Wei, which encompasses action and non-action in a way that brings about "right action" or "effortless action." This year I am going to focus on the "non-action" part of this concept while I am with my family this holiday season. Basically, I am really going to work on observing and following through with keeping my mouth shut. I may not be able to control my thoughts, but I am certainly going to try and control my actions and not say a word as I watch everyone play their roles. As I embrace Wu Wei it is my hope that soon after, Acceptance will find its way in.

For this holiday season, I will practice Wu Wei and envision myself accepting whatever behaviors show up in myself and in others.

I'd also like to wish all of you a Blessed and Bountiful Thanksgiving Holiday.

Set Yourself Free

When I first began to meditate some years ago I, like many, had the idea that we should control/force the mind to be quiet. Basically, I put myself in contortions trying to achieve this seemingly impossible task and like many others, felt incredibly frustrated trying to tame my monkey mind.

It took me a little while of daily practice for me to realize there were more interesting things going on in the moment than the thoughts in my mind. I began to find the world of sensation. Yes, in the beginning I often slipped into the Why's? of my feelings/sensations, but eventually I was able to loosen my grip on those thoughts as well. My mind still bounced around from place to place within, but I began to develop this deep internal relationship with my body in the present moment.

Eventually, the buzz of the energy within soothed me and I began to feel at peace when I meditated. I felt like I finally found my connection to the Divine. Over time this heightened energy would put me into a trance like state, no thoughts, and no feelings other than this beautiful hummm or buzzz within. Sometimes I felt like I would enter a void, meaning, I slipped out into a place of nothingness, not even that hummm. Today, I believe that in those moments I traveled back to my Source and received great healing there.

Recently my meditations have taken on a new flavor. The process begins in the same way it always has...I notice my mind busy, as I focus on my breath, my mind begins to quiet, thoughts creep in, I acknowledge and say "not now, later" to whoever the discussion happens to be with whether it is myself, a client, a friend, etc. I go back to the breath, I observe sensations and they fade, I settle my mind on a single point and the hummm begins, I drop back even further, and instead of heading to the void, I find myself reading from book. Sometimes I see the words in my mind, sometimes, I hear my own voice, sometimes I am reading in anothers voice. When I can remember what I have heard, the information proves incredibly useful and helps me move about in my life very connected to my intuition and Higher Self.

This morning, I acknowledged that if these experiences had happened in the beginning of my meditation experience nearly 10 years ago, I probably would not have recognized them for what they are, perhaps they are simply intuitive wisdom, perhaps a reading from the Akashic Record. And what's more is I probably would not have been able to maintain my connection with that place, for I would have bounced myself immediately back to my thinking mind, criticizing myself for the chatter again, or simply trying to figure out what was happening.

I think the key for me in this process of meditation, besides the daily commitment, has been to learn how to set myself free in my meditations, gently try to detach, but also let go of the expectations. In dropping the expectations of myself and my behavior, while also dropping the expectations of a particular outcome from the meditative experience, I finally freed myself to have the experiences I have had. And they have been more beautiful, peaceful and informative than I ever could have imagined.

Letting go of the Story

In my practice, I have often said, we heal the quickest when we can feel our feelings without holding on to the story. Frequently, we prevent ourselves from healing through the very thoughts we think. Healing thoughts soothe our emotions while negative thoughts fuel our pain. While a certain amount of understanding is helpful, begin to notice for yourself if your emotions are coming up for healing or if you are re-wounding yourself through the stories your (ego) mind creates about the moment at hand. It can be subtle, but there is a difference. While it takes practice, next time, try surrendering to a quiet mind and a feeling body where emotions are processed, rather than staying in your head with your story. If you find this is a challenge, perhaps committing to a meditative practice, where these disciplines are fostered, will give you the tools necessary for this transition.

Today's Wish

Today, my wish for you is to see the multitude of choices you have for yourself in each moment. Choices about your own behavior, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. Regardless of your life's circumstances, there is a way to receive a blessing from it and a way to expand into a new and better you, created as a result of your experiences. It's all there, waiting for you, just sit still and quietly and give it the chance to rise up to the surface.

Working Toward Acceptance

There is something to be said for acceptance. As I see it, in any circumstance, it allows us to find peace with what is. Peace in the present moment is our springboard for a Divinely Inspired Future. Why do we fight against the moment (what is) so much? Where do we get these pre-conceived ideas about our lives from? I just don’t know.

What I do know is that through persistent self inquiry we can move past these constructs we create about who we are and what are lives are supposed to be. As we challenge ourselves to answer questions like:

“How do you know that’s true?” and “Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” and “What happens (how do you react?) when you believe that thought?” and “What happens when you choose to create an opposite and uplifting thought about the same subject or person?” (These questions are from “The Work” of Byron Katie for more information about her transformational process go to http://www.thework.com/)

(However, I must post this Warning - do not honestly answer these questions about your thoughts and beliefs unless you truly want to feel better about your life – truthful answers to these questions are life changing, elevating and expansive)

With that said, if we do engage in this process or a similar one in which we challenge our thoughts and beliefs in a way that helps us to find acceptance with what is, we begin to open ourselves to new possibilities, learn to see and accept things as they are and find peace in the present moment. Until we do that, we ride against the tide in making true and lasting changes in our life circumstances.

Today, I wish you the strength and courage to challenge your thoughts and beliefs so that you may find the Inner Peace that awaits you.

Metaphorical Musings

I spent some time with a friend the other evening, she mentioned that for a time she had been getting recurring bladder infections. Her medical doctors had wanted to do some serious testing and treatments for her condition. Intuitively, she felt that this route was not the answer, but instead felt that her body was reflecting stresses in her life. At one point it became obvious to her that she was pretty “pissed off” about some things going on in her life, particularly at work. As she began to look at her body as a metaphor and use this intuitive wisdom to assist in her in moving forward, resolving the mental/emotional issues she was at odds with at work, her recurring bladder infections came to an end naturally. While I never asked her, I would make a safe guess that there were also some boundaries being crossed that she needed to stand up and defend, for it has also been my experience that the bladder represents boundaries and reacts when we don't stand up for ourselves. (Such an unfortunate, but fitting example of this is women who have sexual intercourse just because they don't know how to say "No," and then end up with a bladder infection. This of course helps them then to have an excuse to say "No" in the near future. The good news is, if you begin to listen to the body, it can assist you in your growth process and assist you in removing the dis-ease.)

Time and time again, I see both in my own personal life and in my work similar occurrences. The body holds the wisdom and is a true reflection of what is going on in our lives. If we create space in our lives for the mind/body connection to surface, it becomes conscious. Once we learn the language of the body and continually listen to the body speak its metaphors, we can unravel its symptoms, often without the intervention of Western Medical Care.

As many of you know, I have dedicated my life to this process, both personally and professionally and I can not stress to you enough how the body is simply a reflection of who you are, body, mind, spirit and emotions. On an energetic level, it is a living representation of all of your attributes and experiences. Because this is the case, you can learn to engage in this process for yourself and consciously experience the connection of mind and body.

How do you begin? By being open to the possibility, having patience and by creating a dialogue with your body.

When was the last time you asked yourself: What’s happening now? And waited for your BODY to give you the answer.

The Law of Choices

In every circumstance we face in life, our spiritual gift is the power of choice. In each moment, we have the choice to expand or to contract, to use our creativity to find soul supportive solutions that help us grow or to repeat the familiar and remain small. Within us is a creative solution to every challenge, the next step we need to take for our souls expansive journey. When we begin to look at life as a series of choices, we also begin to see that we can change our minds at any time and change the course of our lives. What worked yesterday, may not work today and it is our birthright to create change. When we attempt to project what will result from our choices, we limit ourselves and make choices based in fear. Instead, if we follow our hearts desire in the moment as we make choices and release the desire to control the outcome, we free ourselves and naturally expand our Spirit.

Today, I continue to choose to release "The Defender," as I do, I am reminded of another part of me, my "Guarded Heart." As I release "The Defender", the Guard will be leaving its protective stance from around my heart. Hmmm...Breathe deeply, I remind myself, in each moment I choose to release "The Defender" and its associated behaviors, I will simply watch what happens, witness, observe, be present, and feel...

You have caught me in my process...No, that is not true, I have chosen to share it with you, to expose myself and share my Truth and assist the release of the wind out of the sails of "The Defender." As I release, I allow myself to find my strength in vulnerability.

The Defender

Today, I honor "The Defender" in me. The one who fought for me when no one else would. The one who protected me from being hurt, when pain and suffering were all around me. "The Defender" has been a part of who I am, with purpose. I feel grateful for that protection and at the same time sad. When I reflect on "The Defender" I see how by its nature all it knows how to do is protect and defend and maintain the position of armored guard. However, if left unchecked, "The Defender" can protect us and keep at a distance not only from all that is painful, but all that is good and joyous.

Today, I release "The Defender" from its post. Today I remove the mask of armor, embrace vulnerability and risk being seen. At worst, I figure all that will happen is the mask will be removed and there will be nothing there.

The Path to Heart Centeredness

As you did, I witnessed history yesterday. As a result, both last night and this morning, I have also witnessed anger, tears of sadness and tears of happiness. Again, I have needed to simply sit and breathe, releasing thoughts and surface emotions, to uncover what lies beneath the surface.

As I do that, my own heart centeredness begins to show up and I realize that in this place of heart centeredness lives no pride, no accomplishments, no sadness and no anger. In truth, this is not a place of hapiness as we humanly define it either.

Heart centeredness is simple, for it is in this place that we find acceptance and the space of raw potential. It is the place through which the Souls Dreams become a Reality. In heart centeredness, there is an ease through which we live our lives, free of doubt and fear, full of compassion and an intuitive understanding regarding our purpose here on earth and the spiritual process through which we evolve and grow.

Today, I ask you to reflect. I ask you to reflect on the big picture and answer these questions for yourself; What is my spiritual process? Through my process how might I recognize when I am in my heart? and in what ways am I engaged in my life to assist me in finding my way to my own heart? Whether these answers are clear to you today or not, commit to yourself to take One Action Step today toward that end. For it is only through our action (anchoring our mental/emotional/spiritual process to the physical) that we can complete the energetic circuit of healing.

Darkness Into Light

This morning, Spirit suggested I write about Transforming Darkness Into Light. Yes, that I heard, but then the difficulty began. Instead of listening, I kept sticking my two sense in. I wrote and deleted, wrote and deleted, wrote and deleted. Not that there was anything wrong with what I wrote, it was probably fine and would have gotten the point across, but I knew it was not what Spirit was meaning for me to say. So, after a while, I took to simply taking a few minutes to sit at my computer in front of the empty screen to just breathe and be and observe myself. I'd observe my breath and watch it shift, I'd observe my thoughts and watch them shift. Again and again, I sat down at my computer and watched it happen and just waited to be inspired rather than forcing. By this afternoon, I was having another conversation with Spirit, letting "it" know that time was running out for today and I was still uncertain what the true message was here. Again, I just sat and observed and waited to be inspired.

Not long after that, I received an e-mail from another practitioner I know. It was her monthly newsletter for November entitled, "Shifts Happen." In it she talked about observing herself and noticing the shifts in her breath simply as she observed, doing nothing else to "make it happen." She also spoke about being a practitioner, the observer/witness of others, and how simply by witnessing the client she was able to watch the shifts happen within them. She compared it to what atomic physicists learned not so long ago, that "the object of research cannot be separated from the researcher." In other words through the simple act of observance, we have an effect on what we observe.

In those moments, I came to realize, this was all I needed to share. This was exactly the process I put myself in today (and every other day) as I waited for a message from Spirit and little did I know at the time, I was living the message. For it is simply through our willingness to observe ourselves, that "Shifts Happen." It is this very process of observing and shifting that transforms us, the very process that moves us from Darkness Into Light.

Om Namah Shivaya

Last night, my meditation group did an Om Namah Shivaya Chanting Meditation...Before everyone arrived, I felt inspired to say a prayer for all of my attendees, one at a time I envisioned each of them surrounded by Divine Light (in Christian terms, the Light of the Holy Spirit) and called forth this aspect of each of them to be completely present during this evening, not for myself, but for themselves. Following my Inner Guide, I lit one candle representing us and our connection, The One, the holder for the candle I chose was a circle of bronze people holding hands.

As we began the evening together, I started to hear and understand why it was that this evening was different and required different preparation from me. Nearly each person shared a large challenge going on in their life, for some it was physical others, emotional. Before we began our chants, I had each person light a candle for themselves that I had earlier placed at their seat before their arrival. In doing so, I asked each of them to call on their Highest Self to be present and to guide them during the evenings chanting.

For nearly an hour we chanted Om Namah Shivaya. The most beautiful recording I ever heard of this was the one done by Dharma Mittra.

There is no literal translation of this chant, but unconsciously, Spirit had allowed its meaning to manifest through my actions that evening. Om Namaha Shivaya's essence, I now understand, is about connecting to the Divinity each of us has within us. Our lives may not be perfect, we may experience hardship and pain that changes us, but always, we are becoming...

In illness, we are becoming...In pain and sorrow, we are becoming...It may not always be clear to us how we are to be transformed, but with openness, faith and trust, we will. Om Namah Shivaya opens us to the best of ourselves, the part that each member of my group lit a candle for last night, the part of me that was able to "know" without thinking what was needed last night, the part of you that longs for expression, the part that connects us all. Om Namah Shivaya honors that which we are becoming in its greatest and most Divine expression.

Rumi's Gift of Love

Long ago, Rumi, my favorite poet, wrote exquisitely about Love. Did he just get lucky and meet a fabulous woman who he found romance with? Of course not. What Rumi wrote about was his perception of life through the lens of his heart. Staying in his heart, he felt deeply and saw clearly the world of Spirit filled with opportunity for connection and oneness, passion and joy.

We too can look through that lens of the heart and see what Rumi saw in life and in others. Perhaps at first as we begin to shift our awareness we won’t always be able to remain in the heart, that’s okay. It is the glimpses of beauty and perfection there, along with the deep feelings of peace and deep rooted connection to others that will keep us coming back again and again. The journey to the heart is a process. And those moments in which we have fallen away are the very gifts from Spirit that we are to use to find our way back home again.

Childhood Dreams or Future Reality

When I was a little girl, countless times, I was devastated by the "reality" around me, the devastation seemed to be a regular occurence. What atrosities did I encounter in my short childhood life you may wonder? Well, now, with more life experience than I had back then, I can see as I compare myself to others, I led a fairly "normal" and fortunate human life. However in the moment, great wounding seemed to occur as I encountered the every day experiences of my childhood. Perhaps in this way, you are not so unlike me.

I recall others being consistently annoyed by my sensitivity and confused by the world I seemed to compare this one to. These comparisons seemed to create helplessness in those who were closest to me rather than hope, love, and peace. Over and over I was reminded that I was unrealistic and seemed to live in an idealistic world causing me to cast judgement everywhere I went and upon all those who I met. As a child I became despondent, many times longing to leave this life and "go home" to a place I just couldn't find, the place in my mind and my heart that was so beautiful and so unlike what I was living, and now believed did not actually exist. So, I was stuck, the place I longed for was not this place, Earth and no, I believed it was not heaven either, that was a place my Catholic upbringing told me I had never been and might not ever get to, a place that was very seperate from me and therefore couldn't possible remember, a place I would have to earn my way into after much sacrifice and pain in a long and arduous life.

Throughout my younger years, I continued to feel the pain of the disparity between what I felt could be and what was. Even as I grew older, I had no conscious understanding of what was happening and why I felt this way and no one to help me make sense of the gaping hole that seemed to be mounting in my heart. I began to believe my perception of what could and should be was wrong. I began to live my life protecting myself from disappointment and with a deflated Spirit became ashamed of it all...How could I hav been so wrong? Despite all of this, I never forgot the feeling of the world I "dreamed" of, I just tucked it away deep inside along with the longing I felt for it. As my life experience built, so did the wall around this dream.

Since then many years have passed, healing has occured for me on many levels and we now quickly approach 2012, this mysterious time that others speak of as the coming of "The New Age." I have spoken about it many times myself, but like the others it has been a vision of the mind and only sometimes, the heart.

Just yesterday however, I unearthed "that" memory of long ago. Yes, that one that lay dormant deep in my heart all these years. Today, I now question, with deep hope and fear...Is what I knew in my heart so long ago about to become a reality? Was I blessed upon my birth with the heart-vision of our future? Have I carried it within me all these years just waiting for this time in history? Can I now trust and share my vision without the same devastation?

As I think of all these things, I am so filled with emotion...Great relief and joy and disbelief. There is still part of me that can't believe it would be true, that is, the part of me that just wants to remain safe and remain the same. But, like the labor contractions of childbirth however, this feeling of a peaceful and loving world I remember from long ago in my childhood won't stop surging. And the truth is I don't want it to. It is so beautiful and so joyous I just want to share it with everyone in one great instant. I stop myself for a moment and realize it may take a little time however, because right now, all I can do is cry and scream tears of joy, wonder, amazement and relief as I feel this and believe again in the prospect of my new earth, the one I believed in so long ago.