When I was a little girl, countless times, I was devastated by the "reality" around me, the devastation seemed to be a regular occurence. What atrosities did I encounter in my short childhood life you may wonder? Well, now, with more life experience than I had back then, I can see as I compare myself to others, I led a fairly "normal" and fortunate human life. However in the moment, great wounding seemed to occur as I encountered the every day experiences of my childhood. Perhaps in this way, you are not so unlike me.
I recall others being consistently annoyed by my sensitivity and confused by the world I seemed to compare this one to. These comparisons seemed to create helplessness in those who were closest to me rather than hope, love, and peace. Over and over I was reminded that I was unrealistic and seemed to live in an idealistic world causing me to cast judgement everywhere I went and upon all those who I met. As a child I became despondent, many times longing to leave this life and "go home" to a place I just couldn't find, the place in my mind and my heart that was so beautiful and so unlike what I was living, and now believed did not actually exist. So, I was stuck, the place I longed for was not this place, Earth and no, I believed it was not heaven either, that was a place my Catholic upbringing told me I had never been and might not ever get to, a place that was very seperate from me and therefore couldn't possible remember, a place I would have to earn my way into after much sacrifice and pain in a long and arduous life.
Throughout my younger years, I continued to feel the pain of the disparity between what I felt could be and what was. Even as I grew older, I had no conscious understanding of what was happening and why I felt this way and no one to help me make sense of the gaping hole that seemed to be mounting in my heart. I began to believe my perception of what could and should be was wrong. I began to live my life protecting myself from disappointment and with a deflated Spirit became ashamed of it all...How could I hav been so wrong? Despite all of this, I never forgot the feeling of the world I "dreamed" of, I just tucked it away deep inside along with the longing I felt for it. As my life experience built, so did the wall around this dream.
Since then many years have passed, healing has occured for me on many levels and we now quickly approach 2012, this mysterious time that others speak of as the coming of "The New Age." I have spoken about it many times myself, but like the others it has been a vision of the mind and only sometimes, the heart.
Just yesterday however, I unearthed "that" memory of long ago. Yes, that one that lay dormant deep in my heart all these years. Today, I now question, with deep hope and fear...Is what I knew in my heart so long ago about to become a reality? Was I blessed upon my birth with the heart-vision of our future? Have I carried it within me all these years just waiting for this time in history? Can I now trust and share my vision without the same devastation?
As I think of all these things, I am so filled with emotion...Great relief and joy and disbelief. There is still part of me that can't believe it would be true, that is, the part of me that just wants to remain safe and remain the same. But, like the labor contractions of childbirth however, this feeling of a peaceful and loving world I remember from long ago in my childhood won't stop surging. And the truth is I don't want it to. It is so beautiful and so joyous I just want to share it with everyone in one great instant. I stop myself for a moment and realize it may take a little time however, because right now, all I can do is cry and scream tears of joy, wonder, amazement and relief as I feel this and believe again in the prospect of my new earth, the one I believed in so long ago.
