Recently, I was reading the chapter called On Web Watching in the book entitled "The Moral Imagination" written by J.P. Lederach. He stirred something in me and I began to further reflect on my own ideas about Responsibility in Healership and Co-Creation. I recognize and admit that a for a long time I resisted the depth to which I see my responsibilities now. For a while, years in fact, I had seen the strength of my own personal power. From where I stand now, I have to assume, that despite that, I in ways still felt powerless, perhaps even angry and most likely felt like I had something to prove. I think about it now and a sadness washes over me. All the damage and hurt created. Me, wielding my power like a mad samurai or chainsaw massacre. All for what? To prove I am right, or worthy, or brilliant, or special? All along really feeling desperate, lonely, angry, insecure. Tears well up in recognition of and sorrow for all of my mis-creations. Yes, I have done beautiful, selfless things too. I know that this is not a personal bashing, just an honest recognition of all of me. As I suffered silently, others suffered because of my own lack of healing. I tried and did the best I could throughout my life with the resources I had but people suffered. I suffered. And the more powerful I became in myself, the more blood that was drawn at every slash of my sword.
We are powerful beings I now see and have seen for a long time. The difference today is that I see too the slain beings I've left in my wake, I feel their suffering. Looking back, I wonder what made me feel so justified. I wonder what circumstance I met up with early on that caused it. What comes to mind is the fighting spirit, simply fighting to survive in a world I just couldn't understand. A world I didn't feel safe in, a world I did not feel connected in.
Today, now, I see the connections. I see the web, the matrix that we exist within. I see how we are all connected. How it's all connected. I feel it. I know it. I know my words can cut like a knife just as my words can heal instantly. I know that what I say and what I do matters, not only to me because I care about who I am and how I show up, but to the entire universe. They are counting on me. You are counting on me. We are one. All through the matrix, who we are has its effects. All through the power of intention, all through the power of love, and the power of connection we can make a difference and create a better world, but we need to be mindful of how we wield our power. We are more powerful than we think. And what we think matters.
It must be no coincidence that as I was reading this chapter On Web Watching and reflecting on this web of connection that allows me to heal or to hurt instantaneously, that both my cats were chasing big black spiders through my living room. The universe made me laugh. No, I did not kill the spiders, nor did I interfere, and no my cats did not kill them or eat them, they simply played until the spiders ran away.
As I finish this writing, I ask myself these simple questions...Have I sufficiently healed and untangled the web of my past so that I may move forward creating only a silken masterpiece? And, what does my human life need to look like in order to move forward in mastery and service supporting others so that together we weave the web of the New Earth?
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Showing Up
I've been told many times to stop hesitating and share my journey and my insights, for I never know when someone can benefit from what I learned and experienced. With that in mind I reflect on the practices that I have engaged in over the past 18 years and share with you my unwitting journey through the yoga's.
When my son was two, I found myself struggling with my identity as a wife, mother and wellness professional. Somewhere along the way, someone else's vision for my life got in the way and I ended up losing myself to my interpretation of what I thought my husbands vision, my families vision, and societies vision was for me. I lived to please others rather than pleasing myself, in the end I pleased no one and this failure helped place me into therapy in an attempt to rediscover my self. I spent years in introspection, challenging my beliefs, questioning and inquiring, removing obstacles, and removing my own ignorance and illusions. This first step was also my first awakening to Light, as I created a new vision with a new perception of my self. Later, I came to know this part of my journey as Jnana Yoga. Also during this time, I redefined my relationship with myself and with others. I recommitted to moral structures, observances, and began to define how I was going to treat others moving forward in my life. In Patanjali's 8 Limbed Path of Yoga, known as Asthanga Yoga, this is known as Yama's and Niyama's, the first two limbs on the path.
In the midst of this self discovery phase I came to realize that I was incredibly sensitive to others energy. I always was sensitive, but never realized with clarity what I was actually perceiving. When I realized (and began to accept) that my body was like a radio picking up the emotional frequencies of others, I searched for a new kind of teacher and was introduced to the utilization of breath as an entryway into the inner dimensions and landscape of the body. This relationship with my teacher and my self through my bodymind brought about my ability to manage my energy systems, again awakening me to a new level of Light as I cleared blockages energetically. Later, I came to know this as Asana (physical postures), Pranayama (breathwork that helps us control our life force), Pratyahara (moving of the senses inward), and Dharana (concetration), another 4 Limbs on the Ashtanga Path of Yoga.
As I progressed on this inner journey, I found that my presence and concentration became so great, I easily lived in the present moment and realized I was able to spend hours in that inward place...meditating, better known as dhyana by Patanjali and those doing Raja Yoga. Once I became a regular meditator, I began to distinguish between meditation and prayer. For me prayer became the question or intention sent out to the universe while meditation became the silent listening for those answers. As I deepened my prayer life, I also deepened my connection to Source, creating now a dialogue not only with my body, but the universe as well. This also expanded over time into other forms of devotion and study of spiritual texts giving me a greater vocabulary and understanding of spiritual law, allowing me see clearly the limitations of my personal will and desire for control which supported me to further surrender into what I began to call my Higher Self. Surrender to my Highest Self was and continues to be a constant discovery process. This discovery process is simply a deepening of the communication with Source to manifest my life from my heart with love, compassion, and faith. This Yoga of Devotion to the magic, mystery, and beauty of life is known as Bhakti Yoga.
In this time of self discovery, inner journeying, and connection to source lead to new and greater action toward my Soul's Purpose. To act on purpose requires me to see clearly, come from a place of wholeness, and to think with great creativity, keeping in mind that every action not only affects me, but others as well. The Yoga of Doing is known as Karma Yoga. Bringing Karma Yoga to life in every moment has required me to constantly check in about what my intentions are in any given action because it is our intention that attracts new energies toward us.
Today, I leave the discussion of Tantra yoga until last, because for many of us it seems to be the most confusing, complicated and illusive. Historically, Tantra Yoga cultivates awakening through the Divine Feminine, Goddess worship and sexuality. Some forms of modern Tantra even incorporate sexual practices and meditations, but at the heart of Tantra lies the basic concept of addressing our humanness, including our desires, discovering, expressing and strengthening Love through relationship and connection while acknowledging and exploring our physical and human sexual nature. Tantra honors our sexual nature and teaches that denial of it only leads to repression and distortion while also teaching sex as an expression of Love, creating intimacy and a path for merging with the Divine. Tantra offers us the tools to manage our human desires that we experience through our senses so that we may uncover our Divine nature.
As you can see I have not followed one particular yogic path, but rather utilized various aspects of different paths along my journey. Over the years I have remained open and willing to learn from others and listen to that ever present and ever loudening voice from within. Each journey is individual and each moment requires a fresh approach. Yoga is much more than an alternative physical workout that you may come across in your gym's schedule or at your local yoga studio, it is a spiritual path in which only one small component is Asana. As far as I know, no one has ever attained Enlightenment through a posture, it takes body mind emotions and spirit working together toward healing and self realization to become Enlightened.
When my son was two, I found myself struggling with my identity as a wife, mother and wellness professional. Somewhere along the way, someone else's vision for my life got in the way and I ended up losing myself to my interpretation of what I thought my husbands vision, my families vision, and societies vision was for me. I lived to please others rather than pleasing myself, in the end I pleased no one and this failure helped place me into therapy in an attempt to rediscover my self. I spent years in introspection, challenging my beliefs, questioning and inquiring, removing obstacles, and removing my own ignorance and illusions. This first step was also my first awakening to Light, as I created a new vision with a new perception of my self. Later, I came to know this part of my journey as Jnana Yoga. Also during this time, I redefined my relationship with myself and with others. I recommitted to moral structures, observances, and began to define how I was going to treat others moving forward in my life. In Patanjali's 8 Limbed Path of Yoga, known as Asthanga Yoga, this is known as Yama's and Niyama's, the first two limbs on the path.
In the midst of this self discovery phase I came to realize that I was incredibly sensitive to others energy. I always was sensitive, but never realized with clarity what I was actually perceiving. When I realized (and began to accept) that my body was like a radio picking up the emotional frequencies of others, I searched for a new kind of teacher and was introduced to the utilization of breath as an entryway into the inner dimensions and landscape of the body. This relationship with my teacher and my self through my bodymind brought about my ability to manage my energy systems, again awakening me to a new level of Light as I cleared blockages energetically. Later, I came to know this as Asana (physical postures), Pranayama (breathwork that helps us control our life force), Pratyahara (moving of the senses inward), and Dharana (concetration), another 4 Limbs on the Ashtanga Path of Yoga.
As I progressed on this inner journey, I found that my presence and concentration became so great, I easily lived in the present moment and realized I was able to spend hours in that inward place...meditating, better known as dhyana by Patanjali and those doing Raja Yoga. Once I became a regular meditator, I began to distinguish between meditation and prayer. For me prayer became the question or intention sent out to the universe while meditation became the silent listening for those answers. As I deepened my prayer life, I also deepened my connection to Source, creating now a dialogue not only with my body, but the universe as well. This also expanded over time into other forms of devotion and study of spiritual texts giving me a greater vocabulary and understanding of spiritual law, allowing me see clearly the limitations of my personal will and desire for control which supported me to further surrender into what I began to call my Higher Self. Surrender to my Highest Self was and continues to be a constant discovery process. This discovery process is simply a deepening of the communication with Source to manifest my life from my heart with love, compassion, and faith. This Yoga of Devotion to the magic, mystery, and beauty of life is known as Bhakti Yoga.
In this time of self discovery, inner journeying, and connection to source lead to new and greater action toward my Soul's Purpose. To act on purpose requires me to see clearly, come from a place of wholeness, and to think with great creativity, keeping in mind that every action not only affects me, but others as well. The Yoga of Doing is known as Karma Yoga. Bringing Karma Yoga to life in every moment has required me to constantly check in about what my intentions are in any given action because it is our intention that attracts new energies toward us.
Today, I leave the discussion of Tantra yoga until last, because for many of us it seems to be the most confusing, complicated and illusive. Historically, Tantra Yoga cultivates awakening through the Divine Feminine, Goddess worship and sexuality. Some forms of modern Tantra even incorporate sexual practices and meditations, but at the heart of Tantra lies the basic concept of addressing our humanness, including our desires, discovering, expressing and strengthening Love through relationship and connection while acknowledging and exploring our physical and human sexual nature. Tantra honors our sexual nature and teaches that denial of it only leads to repression and distortion while also teaching sex as an expression of Love, creating intimacy and a path for merging with the Divine. Tantra offers us the tools to manage our human desires that we experience through our senses so that we may uncover our Divine nature.
As you can see I have not followed one particular yogic path, but rather utilized various aspects of different paths along my journey. Over the years I have remained open and willing to learn from others and listen to that ever present and ever loudening voice from within. Each journey is individual and each moment requires a fresh approach. Yoga is much more than an alternative physical workout that you may come across in your gym's schedule or at your local yoga studio, it is a spiritual path in which only one small component is Asana. As far as I know, no one has ever attained Enlightenment through a posture, it takes body mind emotions and spirit working together toward healing and self realization to become Enlightened.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
What's Alive in You?
I've concluded today that I face challenges with regard to commitment, especially a commitment to writing. Even though I enjoy it and people ask me to do it because they enjoy my perspective, despite all that, I fail to write. What stands in the way most is me feeling that I have nothing new to say, nothing that hasn't already been said. It's a real problem that lives in me. Yes, it lives in me.
If from this place I ask myself what is alive in me?...I have to answer doubt, small thinking, lack, worthlessness, dismissal, etc. And then I go to trying to convince myself, but I am a happy, joyful person!! How can these two things live in me at the same time? When I see them on paper, they nearly seem like polar opposites. I need to write, even if it has been said before. I need to touch my own creativity and give it a voice. I need to dig my way through the dry crusty earth and begin molding the clay of my life again.
What have you stopped doing simply because....? What excuses have you used? What story have you bought into? What would it mean to you to make a shift right now in your life? To change simply because it would be good for your own growth and depth. To do something new or different or old, that you know would light a spark in you and make you feel alive. What is living in you today? What do you want to be alive with?
Write a manifesto today, send it to me, send it to yourself, commit to something just for you so that it lives in you, so you can be fully alive!! Follow through, show yourself some Love!
If from this place I ask myself what is alive in me?...I have to answer doubt, small thinking, lack, worthlessness, dismissal, etc. And then I go to trying to convince myself, but I am a happy, joyful person!! How can these two things live in me at the same time? When I see them on paper, they nearly seem like polar opposites. I need to write, even if it has been said before. I need to touch my own creativity and give it a voice. I need to dig my way through the dry crusty earth and begin molding the clay of my life again.
What have you stopped doing simply because....? What excuses have you used? What story have you bought into? What would it mean to you to make a shift right now in your life? To change simply because it would be good for your own growth and depth. To do something new or different or old, that you know would light a spark in you and make you feel alive. What is living in you today? What do you want to be alive with?
Write a manifesto today, send it to me, send it to yourself, commit to something just for you so that it lives in you, so you can be fully alive!! Follow through, show yourself some Love!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Hello 2014........
I bow to you 2014 with humility as you stand before me, big and looming. I am not sure what you want from me or I from you. You snuck up on me this year, I am feeling somewhat unprepared for your presence. I needed more time, the house is messy, my papers are not filed, I've had the kind of visitors in my home that no one is happy to have, I haven't gotten enough sleep, nor collected my thoughts in preparation for you. But despite all of that, you are here, and you are not patient, nor waiting for me to finish my preparations.
You whisper to me, "shift gears now, you are ready, you just don't realize it" and while I might resist, I know you are right. My struggle is to collect all of myself into the present moment. The feeling of being "not fully present" warns me that I have left parts of myself either in the past or in my worries about the future and that feels like a key insight.
I sigh both a sigh of relief and a disheartened sigh as I acknowledge my fragmentation. My first project of 2014 must be to collect the lost parts of myself from the past and from the future. As I write, I start seeing images of myself as an innocent little girl in a field with a basket picking up parts of myself. I wonder if in fact it will be that easy to do. The field is beautiful and filled with spring colors, it makes me think of hunting for Easter eggs. Any little girl would enjoy that. How then can I make this act of "collecting myself" and putting myself back together again (sort of like humpty dumpty) an enjoyable task? I hear that little voice of yours again say "just acknowledge all the little places you left yourself, let that be a lesson for you in and of itself." Hmmm, simply acknowledge all the little places that still trip me up, I can do that.
Thank you 2014, you have already been a teacher.
It may be post 2012, but it seems the A's of Ascension haven't really changed very much according to the wisdom in the voice of 2014. Awareness, Acknowledgment, Acceptance, Action, Ascension. It's all I'm ready to do right now and if experience holds true, Inspired Action will rise out of the ashes of the fire of true acceptance of who and what I am today.
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