Set Yourself Free

When I first began to meditate some years ago I, like many, had the idea that we should control/force the mind to be quiet. Basically, I put myself in contortions trying to achieve this seemingly impossible task and like many others, felt incredibly frustrated trying to tame my monkey mind.

It took me a little while of daily practice for me to realize there were more interesting things going on in the moment than the thoughts in my mind. I began to find the world of sensation. Yes, in the beginning I often slipped into the Why's? of my feelings/sensations, but eventually I was able to loosen my grip on those thoughts as well. My mind still bounced around from place to place within, but I began to develop this deep internal relationship with my body in the present moment.

Eventually, the buzz of the energy within soothed me and I began to feel at peace when I meditated. I felt like I finally found my connection to the Divine. Over time this heightened energy would put me into a trance like state, no thoughts, and no feelings other than this beautiful hummm or buzzz within. Sometimes I felt like I would enter a void, meaning, I slipped out into a place of nothingness, not even that hummm. Today, I believe that in those moments I traveled back to my Source and received great healing there.

Recently my meditations have taken on a new flavor. The process begins in the same way it always has...I notice my mind busy, as I focus on my breath, my mind begins to quiet, thoughts creep in, I acknowledge and say "not now, later" to whoever the discussion happens to be with whether it is myself, a client, a friend, etc. I go back to the breath, I observe sensations and they fade, I settle my mind on a single point and the hummm begins, I drop back even further, and instead of heading to the void, I find myself reading from book. Sometimes I see the words in my mind, sometimes, I hear my own voice, sometimes I am reading in anothers voice. When I can remember what I have heard, the information proves incredibly useful and helps me move about in my life very connected to my intuition and Higher Self.

This morning, I acknowledged that if these experiences had happened in the beginning of my meditation experience nearly 10 years ago, I probably would not have recognized them for what they are, perhaps they are simply intuitive wisdom, perhaps a reading from the Akashic Record. And what's more is I probably would not have been able to maintain my connection with that place, for I would have bounced myself immediately back to my thinking mind, criticizing myself for the chatter again, or simply trying to figure out what was happening.

I think the key for me in this process of meditation, besides the daily commitment, has been to learn how to set myself free in my meditations, gently try to detach, but also let go of the expectations. In dropping the expectations of myself and my behavior, while also dropping the expectations of a particular outcome from the meditative experience, I finally freed myself to have the experiences I have had. And they have been more beautiful, peaceful and informative than I ever could have imagined.

Letting go of the Story

In my practice, I have often said, we heal the quickest when we can feel our feelings without holding on to the story. Frequently, we prevent ourselves from healing through the very thoughts we think. Healing thoughts soothe our emotions while negative thoughts fuel our pain. While a certain amount of understanding is helpful, begin to notice for yourself if your emotions are coming up for healing or if you are re-wounding yourself through the stories your (ego) mind creates about the moment at hand. It can be subtle, but there is a difference. While it takes practice, next time, try surrendering to a quiet mind and a feeling body where emotions are processed, rather than staying in your head with your story. If you find this is a challenge, perhaps committing to a meditative practice, where these disciplines are fostered, will give you the tools necessary for this transition.