Pick One Thing

When I was a teenager, I was very conscious of my weight.  I was never actually fat by today's standards, but back then, there were alot more thin people walking around and there were no Dove Soap commercials to let me know that I had natural beauty, that individuality is a good thing, and that self esteem comes from within.  We had Vogue and Elle Magazine, and the articles were about diet, weight, and "getting" men.  I obsessed about what I ate, when I ate it, and exercised too much to combat my overeating.  To go along with that scenario, I worried about how I dressed, my grades, my hair, what people thought of me, and how to say "the right" thing so people would never get angry or be disappointed in me.  One thing was for sure back then, none of it worked and I was miserable. I placed myself under a microscope to find flaw in my figure, my looks, and everything I said and did.  Guess what, I always found some.

Today, I no longer look for flaw, I look for awe.  I look for things that are good about myself and others.  I look to be grateful and look to be the best me I can be in the moment.  I strive not to pick on the external, but instead strive to dive within simply for understanding.  To know what makes me tick is enough when I am not ready change anything else. If I had to pick one thing that I think got my pendulum to stop its swing, I would have to say it was learning simply to be my own witness.  What does it mean to be my own witness?  To be present to and honest with myself, without judgement, criticism, or the need to change anything.  Becoming the witness to my own inner life, was literally life changing.  And the best part was, it brought me right into the present moment.  When I first began this practice of witnessing, there was so much meat in the present moment, I was forced to begin meditating to slow my mind and my life down to a speed that was actually witnessable.  (Is that a word?  It is now.)

Through observation I came to see life more clearly.  I began to see the truth of myself, others, and the experiences we were having.  It was a start.  I found I was happier as I released judgment.  I found I felt more secure when I was more concerned with what I was thinking than what others were thinking.  Within me, I found a familiar place that began to feel like home.  It was the beginning of a more peaceful and contented life.